From "Sister Act to Mother Act"

It has been not quite twenty years since I was called "Sister Susie".  And twenty years later, it seems like a lifetime ago that I lived in a Motherhouse and was discerning whether or not to live my life as a religious sister. What I didn't realize at the time was that the Motherhouse I lived in during my two years as a novice was going to prepare me for Motherhood.  As I look back on that time,  I can see how God brought me to the place that could most prepare me for life as a wife and mother.  In this physical world,  I don't know many women who would think that being immersed in religious life would be the training ground for marriage and raising kids, but looking at my time there through the spiritual eye, I can see why God  led me there and how that time continues to have a huge impact on my life.

Probably the most obvious gift of that time was Charles, who had a little something to do with my becoming a mother.  (Wink, wink).  One of the religious sisters I lived with was working in the parish where I taught 5th grade, and when that position had opened up, she gave my name to the principal and recommended me for the job.  Had I not been where I was, I would have never met Charles, who would soon be assigned to that parish as a transitional deacon.

But even more importantly on a whole different level, was what seemed at the time to be insignificant things, but have turned out to be hugely important to my formation as a spiritual person.  Living with a group of sisters requires a calendar.  I never used a calendar until I entered religious life.  All of us in the group I was living with would get out our calendars and share obligations at work, important community dates, meetings, and then we would find time for all of us to be together to do something fun.  Sometimes it was a picnic in the park or going to a movie.  Maybe we would all go out to eat or attend a birthday celebration for one of the other sisters.  Sometimes we would all go to the zoo or a ball game.  But what I learned about using calendars, and respecting other people's schedules, was living a balanced life.  The sisters were wonderful about giving feedback to other sisters if they thought they had too much on their plate or that they needed to think about scheduling time just for themselves.  They really reverently respected God's gift of time to us and demonstrated to me the importance of practicing balance and avoiding overwork, taking on too many committee positions, or volunteer positions.  Motherhood requires the same use of a calendar.  It is just the people, and the scenarios, that are different.  Charles and I keep a "house calendar" and then we each have our own individual calendar.  We've color-coded church events, kids events,  appointments,etc.  We try to help each other look at the bigger picture of our lives and call each other out when the ministry piece of our lives is out of control.  We make sure to plan fun family times, and Charles and I do our best to plan "date nights".

Something else that I think has made a huge impact on my mothering that I specifically learned in religious life was discerning what it means to be a woman.  Religious sisters are some of the people who are at the forefront of social justice issues concerning women.  My world opened up as I learned about the history of a male-dominated world and how much that has impacted the lives of women, not just in the life of church, but in the workplace and in the home.  Part of the motherhouse was used as a shelter for women who were recovering from domestic abuse and alcoholism, and I developed a much greater sensitivity toward the woman who was trying to heal from the injustices of society and humanity.  In studying theology and women's issues, my eyes were opened to how little the roles of women in the bible are talked about, or preached on, in churches.  And then there was the never-ending debate about women's ordination.   Many times our community hosted guest speakers on various women's issues.  My image as a woman, and my place in the world as a woman, as well as seeing God, not just from the male perspective, but a female perspective, has been invaluable.  Even as mothers, we were  women first before we had the privilege of becoming mothers.  I have two girls who are watching me, and absorbing me as a woman.  They are taking in how I act as a woman.  I am going to be a major influence in their lives when it comes to how they see themselves as girls now and later grow into womanhood.  I didn't learn how to put makeup on in religious life, but I can start the conversation with them about the inner beauty that every woman possesses.  I also have a little boy who is watching how his daddy is treating women, and he needs to learn how to view women, how to treat them, and respect them for who they are.


Finances were a big part of my formation as a sister.  Of course, a religious sister takes a vow of poverty.  In other words, the things of this world are not as important as the things of spirit.  However,  there are many other people who really know "poverty".  I always had a car to drive, gas in the tank, health insurance, access to medical and mental health care,  a place to live, and food on the table.   I think the definition of "poverty" in religious life is always evolving.  Many families don't have everything a sister does.  Of course budgeting was huge for sisters.  Religious sisters work, and for the most part, they receive the same compensation that a lay person receives.  Their pay check goes to the order and the treasure of the order then gives each group of sisters a certain amount of money to meet their housing/living expenses.  Every sister also gets an "allowance" for the month.  When I was there I received $60.00 and that was for eating out and personal purchases.  With the larger group's "allowance" some of that was also set aside for giving and charity.  If you needed more expensive clothes for work, you talked about it with the other sisters, and could request a certain amount of money for that.  What mother doesn't need to learn how to manage a budget? Charles and I are constantly going over the budget, weighing how much we can give to people in need, and how much to set aside for discretionary spending.  In religious life, I learned what a gift it is to have money and how to determine a "need" from a "want".  I learned that money has the power to do so much good in the world, and it is God's resource given to us as a gift.  I learned gratitude for all I did have and learned how to focus on abundance instead of what I think I lacked.  I learned how to be a steward of the gift of money and to trust in God's provisions.  I want my children to see abundance instead of lack. I want them to see their money as God's, and that what we have is powerful and should always be used wisely.  I want them to learn the privilege of an allowance and to discern "needs" from "wants".  I want them to make as much money as they want to, but then instill in them the gift of giving, and to give from a place of joy, not a place of sacrifice and suffering.

Seeing family as another "type" of religious community is something I really believe in. Sisters go on to take vows of chasity, poverty, and obedience.  Charles and I have taken marriage vows, but we are also vowed to raising our children.  All of us, as a family, are a spiritual/religious community that believes in praying together and obedience to the law of love.  We try to have a ministry-mindset both at home and in the larger community.  Always working to create the feeling of being loved and valued at home is priority, and then working to help others feel loved and valued in our places of work and ministry naturally flows from that, just as in a religious order.  One of the "requirements" of a vowed sister is to take retreats and participate in regularly scheduled spiritual direction.  Charles and I do our best to find a spiritual director, wherever we happen to be, and meet with them once a month.  A spiritual director helps us see the movement of God in our own lives, our marriage, and our family.  It helps keep us accountable to praying daily and reflecting on how we can improve the quality of our own individual lives.  Our spirits remain teachable, open, and available to God's direction and guidance.  And, as a mother, I am more able to let God do what God needs to do in my children's lives.  I can better help my children listen to God's voice.  I am better equipped to help them use the tool of discernment to make the little decisions and then later, the really big decisions.  Having worked through my own "issues", hopefully, I can surrender the outcome of their lives into God's hands and entrust their lives to God's love and care.


Education is highly important in a religious sister's life.  We were always encouraged to take a class that drew our attention, or one that would help our ministry.  We were always encouraged to read, read, read.  We were always encouraged to go to different workshops that would deepen our relationship with God.  If a sister wanted to belong to a specific group at a local church, we were never discouraged in seeking out that kind of spiritual growth.  I still have those same aspirations as a mother.  I read books on different spiritual topics on a regular basis.  I'm obviously a little more tied down when it comes to attending workshops, but there are some great on-line programs and radio shows that I sometimes listen to while working in the kitchen, or driving around town.  I am now attending a small women's bible study group, where we can apply scripture to our lives as women and mothers. I want my children to love to learn and to read, and to see the value and enjoyment of learning something new.  I want my children to understand that education is a part of becoming the best person we can be, and that when we educate ourselves it affects not just their own life, but it can change the world we live in.  Education goes beyond the desk at school.  We should always be hungry for knowledge of all types.


Lastly, but definitely not least,  is communication.  When you live with a group of sisters, it becomes necessary to learn how to communicate effectively with each other.  We had to learn how to communicate to work through conflicts, because no matter what the living arrangement, when you live with someone on a regular basis, there are always going to be conflicts.  Whenever there was a conflict, I was many times, taken under the wing of an older sister, and encouraged to express myself, my needs, and what I was feeling.  It could have been something as minor as my house-cleaning obligations to something more major like how I was treating another sister, or how another sister was treating me.  Things didn't get shoved under a rug.  There was never an elephant kept in a room for very long.  Airing our differences out, in as mature a way as possible, was important and necessary.  Over time, I got better and better at communicating my needs, my feelings, and my issues of concern.  Sometimes a mediator is necessary.  Sometimes going out for a cup of coffee with another sister was necessary to talk things out.  Sometimes a simple apology was all that was needed.  I can't tell you how many times I still fall back on the skill of basic communication now that I am married.  I learned that I would be okay, even in conflict, and my fear of conflict lessened.  I learned that what I felt was valuable in God's eyes and valuable to the larger community.  I hope that I can keep the lines of communication open in our own home.  Charles and I are always working to improve communicating and conflict-resolving in our relationship.  Living with a group of sisters opened my eyes to healthy communication instead of dysfunctional communication.  I was shown what healthy communication should look like, and then given the tools to grow in my communication skills.  You can't put a price on that.  I'm not perfect, but I continue to work on those skills, now through marriage and having children.  Hopefully, Charles and I can be decent role-models of how to communicate when there are problems, and that conflict is okay, and we all can learn and grow from our conflicts.

Living in a Motherhouse of sisters, I learned some invaluable and priceless lessons, all preparing me for the vocation of motherhood.  I am deeply indebted to every religious sister that I had the privilege and the honor of living with, and learning from.  I didn't go there to become a wife and a mother, but I left there a better woman, a more authentic way to be "susie", woman, wife, and mother.  Their impact on my life is going to have a lasting impact on my marriage and my family.  Every religious order lives by a charism.  Part of the Notre Dame Sister's charism was to "take this Child (Jesus) and make him grow".   I still remember that, and I keep that message close to my heart.  They took me, really just a child in spirit and heart, and helped me grow into a woman, still maturing and growing some twenty years later.  And in a very real way, through the legacy they gave to me, are taking my children and causing them to grow.

We all have lived in places and met people in those places that transformed us, and made us new and better than we were when we first arrived there.  For me, the Notre Dame Sister's Motherhouse and their houses around Omaha, Nebraska were places of transfiguration.  It was good to be there.  I prayed there, and I was changed, my spirit took on a newfound brightness. A light that I still try to share today. I felt what it was like to be a child of God, I felt chosen.   Women, who happen to be mothers are chosen.  We are chosen for service, chosen to create spiritual communities of our own families.  Chosen to pray, to learn, to grow, and to help our families live by the charism of love by being an example of love.

Thank you, Notre Dame Sisters for growing me, loving me, and giving to me.  Thank you for the impact you have had on my life, and continue to have on my life and the life of my family.