There are a thousand teachable moments in a single day when it comes to children, and it can be really hard to pick and choose which conversations, or moments, are really worth dropping everything for, and taking the opportunity to listen, invite God into the conversation, and then put it all in God's hands. Clare has recently expressed how she really wishes she didn't have a brother and sister. I hate being the oldest, Mom. I don't like that they always get your attention before I do. I don't like that I am always having to help them or wait for them, and that they are always getting into my stuff! It is not fair! We have had this conversation before...several times, but this time the conversation required more time, more listening, some prayer, and some real "heart time" and "soul care". With a silent invitation delivered to God's ears to take this conversation and make it His, I did decide to drop what I was doing.
As a mom, it is frustrating to know that I haven't been able to give her the answer she is looking for, which for her would be to put her brother and sister up for adoption, and we all know that isn't going to happen. Instead of her talking while I did the dishes, we both sat on the couch, and after giving her a hug, I let her pour her heart out to me, while holding her. And I kept my mouth closed. And when she was out of words and tears, she showed me a prayer journal that she made at church. So, I opened it up, and asked her if she knew some of the ways she could use a prayer journal. When she said No, would you show me? I explained to her that God is always the place we turn to for guidance and answers. And the first place we look to is scripture. I explained to her that I understood about her being in a position that she didn't really ask for, but needed to come to terms with. Then I shared with her that it wasn't always easy for me to be a priest's wife. That there were things I didn't always enjoy about that role, but that God has helped me be at peace with where God has created me to be, and that God has never left me alone to struggle with it by myself. I shared with her a verse of scripture that I turn to often. I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. Philippians 4:13. I shared with her that even though she didn't really ask to be an oldest child, that God made her and knew that this was the place in the family that only she could be, and that we can trust that we can even be happy in the places that God brings us to. We read further on in Philippians to the verse that no one should be without: I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I explained to her that when we try to do things all by ourselves, it never goes as well as when we ask God for help whenever we get tired, frustrated, or angry. She seemed to really be soaking this in. We wrote both verses in her prayer journal and then I told her that whenever she felt angry and frustrated about being the oldest child to go back to these verses and then write about what she is feeling and then ask God for the grace to see what she has to be thankful for in this situation, and write that list down. We made a list together, and as she wrote it down, she began to feel better.But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength...Isaiah 40: 29-31 And she came up with quite a list of things that an oldest child has to be thankful for. She even smiled for the first time about being an oldest child.
The lesson was not only one of gratitude and grace that only God can instill in ourselves. She learned a small lesson of obedience. This is the human condition that we all are faced with...finding ourselves in situations that we didn't necessarily ask for, but have to find a way to thrive in, despite what we perceive to be "less than perfect" circumstances.God will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way so that you can stand up under it. 1Corinthians 10:13 Obedience can have such a negative connotation. It seems to imply that I have to be, or do something, not of my own desire, but of a force that is outside of me. As a religious sister, we studied what the vow of obedience meant in order to understand what that meant for me and for the community. And there are many stories of nuns being obedient to "Mother Superior" about all kinds of things. Everything from where you would work to how you would pray, to what you would wear, to when you could talk, and the list is even longer. Every mother loves an obedient child. We ask them to obey our directions for all kinds of reasons: most of which are related to safety, health, and their overall well-being. We want our children to obey us because of the internal values we adhere to. When a child chooses not to "obey" us, there is usually a consequence for the choice to disobey.
The kind of obedience that we are all called is not from a force outside of us, but rather a "flow from within us", a practice of making choices from the overflow of the heart, the Center, and the Mind, where God abides.. where we live, and move, and have our being. Obedience comes in many forms, but all obedience is an act of acknowledging what lies within us, and then acting on that. It is our heart that lays a path before us, and it is our calling to listen to what is there, and then act accordingly.As one thinks in his heart, so is he. Proverbs 23: 7 Clare can't change her circumstances. Her brother and sister are not going away. Since that fact cannot be changed, what was in her heart needs changing, and what felt heavy, impossible, burdensome,and unhappy is transformed into a heart that is surrendered and peaceful Obedience for Clare means allowing God into her hurting heart and transforming the hurt it into a heart that now holds peace, contentment, gratitude for the situation, and even happiness that she is the oldest and not the youngest or the middle child.
What obedience doesn't mean is blind participation without thought or reason as to why you are doing what you are doing. Obedience requires careful discernment of the heart's content. It always involves prayer. It requires naming every feeling that your heart holds and getting honest about what you desire. It requires listening to God's direction and guidance and then acting upon that guidance, in full trust that God already has the best outcome worked out. Obedience is all about God bringing to us what will make us happy. Every parent wants a child to obey their directions, their knowledge, and their experiences because we believe it is for their happiness. It is the same with God. Obedience is trusting that God is always arranging everything in our lives so we that we can live the happiest life possible. Purposeful obedience asks the question: How can I be of service instead of How can I be served? Because when we are of service, we are served as well. Obedience could mean changing a job, changing how you parent your children, changing where you live, changing how you eat, changing the amount of hours you work, or even something as simple as changing your dinner plans to accommodate something else that has come up that is more important in that moment. Obedience can mean putting off doing another load of laundry in order to take your child for a walk to look at the ducks instead.
Often people ask how free will can co-exist with obedience. They can. And in fact, free-will goes hand-in-hand with the obedient person. God never forces. He always invites. Obedience is an invitation, not a demand. And God has infinite ways of inviting. Just because we might not respond to one "invitation" doesn't mean we won't respond to the invitation at a different time in our life. The form in which the invitation is delivered may change, but ultimately, what you are saying "yes" to won't. We always have the choice to say no. We're never "handcuffed" into doing anything. Choosing to respond with a "no" is choosing to be obedient to something else. Obedience is all about responding to the invitations of God with an open and available heart. It is never about God "telling" us what to do, but asking us to consider what obeying in this moment has to offer us, and how we can serve the plans of God by our full and joyful response.
Obedience is the call to always and forever serve love. When we are obedient to love, all things will fall into place for our good, the good of our families, and even the greater community. When the invitation to love is responded to without hesitation, we don't have to worry about consequences or outcomes. Obedience is moment by moment, hour by hour and day by day. Obedience is being present to what is before you in the here and now, so what has yet to come, has a strong foundation of love and service. Some things in our lives we can change, and sometimes the only thing we can change is on the inside of us. What Clare brought to me was really a question of obedience. She left that conversation feeling better, not perfect, but better. Through the grace of God in the conversation, she now has a plan to help her be obedient in the place where God has placed her. She has scripture to turn to, me to talk to, a journal to discern what is in her heart, and the knowledge and truth that God will always help us in our weaknesses. And on the bad days, she can go back to prayer, back to God, back to me, back to her heart, and be strengthened, helped, and blessed. Explaining to her that we don't have to do everything by ourselves and that in the places where we are weakest, obedience gives God the chance to show us how powerful and loving He is. My grace is all you need...I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 2Cor 12:9.
And I, as a mom, had my own lesson in obedience. My heart was calling me to be obedient to the need of a longer, deeper conversation with my daughter. While in the short-term it meant that Olivia and Nathan would have to "fend for themselves" for a little bit, and the dishes were going to have to wait a little longer, it also meant that in my obedience to the voice of our hearts, some of the fighting that was going on amongst the three of them would be reduced significantly because now Clare saw her situation from God's perspective. Some of the behaviors that Clare was exhibiting toward them would be changed and replaced with more thoughtful behaviors. And that is what obedience is really about. Seeing things from God's perspective, and choosing more appropriate, compassionate, and loving behaviors. Obedience is looking at things through the lens of spirit and not ego. Obedience is a willingness to see things through God's eyes, and not my narrow-minded vision. And in the end, as a parent, I want my adult children to not be dependent on what I want them to do, but what God wants them to do. There is a big difference. Maybe there will be times that what I want for them and what God wants for them will be the same. But ultimately, I want my children to learn obedience to God, and only God. Because in the end, obedience manifests blessings of every kind. The Lord is on my side to help me...Psalm 118: 5-6
We have all used the phrase Because I said so! with our kids as we've requested their obedience. God wants us to take because I said so to another level...to God's level: I said so because I love you and I won't leave you alone in this situation. I said so because I made you for this and because you have something to offer the world that no one else can. I said so because when you feel weak and unsure about where you are, I will show you my power, my grace, and my actions. I said so because I know you can and I believe in you. I said so because what you cannot do, I will do, and what you have left undone, I will finish. I said so because I know the plans I have for you..plans to prosper you and not ot harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..Jeremiah 29: 11-12
People tend to get scared of the thought of obedience when they think of what Jesus was called to do. He was obedient even unto death...death on a cross. For us, when we are obedient, it means the death of something inside us that does not serve love. For Clare, it was the death of self-pity. It was the death of feeling alone. It was the death of anger toward her siblings and me. Let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit...2 Cor 7:1 It was the death of thinking only about herself. For Jesus, obedience for him was following the laws of God, the laws written upon his heart in prayer. He was only obedient to the kingdom inside him, and he came to teach us that obedience to man-made laws is not where our loyalty should be. He was powerful because he was obedient. He rose from the dead because of obedience to God's promises. He was obedient to an authority that was not of this world, and therefore gained dominion over the physical world. We must obey God rather than men. Acts 5:29 Clare's struggle was really between the world as she thinks she experiences it, and the world where God abides. The world that God is building inside her, through the role of being the oldest child, will become the kingdom of peace, happiness, and contentment. This was probably her first lesson in how to go within, and learning how to be obedient there, where God abides, so that real changes can occur to what lies outside of her. The flow of obedience from our inner life allows God to calm the stormy waters of our outer life. Out of his heart shall flow rivers of living water...John 7:37
Will Clare get it right all the time because we sat on the couch once? Probably not, but neither will I. She and I will be re-visiting this issue again. But this time, the ground-work has been laid, a foundation to remember what has been built has been formed, and we can go back to the journal, back to scripture, back to our hearts, and ultimately back to God to be strengthened, loved, reassured, and reminded that we are not alone and that what we need will be given to us, if we remember to stop and ask. Obedience requires that we go back to God again and again, and yet again. But you must return to your God;maintain love and justice, and wait for your God always. Hosea 12:6 Obedience doesn't require perfection. It only requires desire...the desire to follow God. Divine obedience allows correction of our hearts and minds. Disobedience doesn't mean God will punish us because we have sinned. It simply means that we will have another chance to be forgiven, directed, and loved.
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