From "Sister Act to Mother Act"

It has been not quite twenty years since I was called "Sister Susie".  And twenty years later, it seems like a lifetime ago that I lived in a Motherhouse and was discerning whether or not to live my life as a religious sister. What I didn't realize at the time was that the Motherhouse I lived in during my two years as a novice was going to prepare me for Motherhood.  As I look back on that time,  I can see how God brought me to the place that could most prepare me for life as a wife and mother.  In this physical world,  I don't know many women who would think that being immersed in religious life would be the training ground for marriage and raising kids, but looking at my time there through the spiritual eye, I can see why God  led me there and how that time continues to have a huge impact on my life.

Probably the most obvious gift of that time was Charles, who had a little something to do with my becoming a mother.  (Wink, wink).  One of the religious sisters I lived with was working in the parish where I taught 5th grade, and when that position had opened up, she gave my name to the principal and recommended me for the job.  Had I not been where I was, I would have never met Charles, who would soon be assigned to that parish as a transitional deacon.

But even more importantly on a whole different level, was what seemed at the time to be insignificant things, but have turned out to be hugely important to my formation as a spiritual person.  Living with a group of sisters requires a calendar.  I never used a calendar until I entered religious life.  All of us in the group I was living with would get out our calendars and share obligations at work, important community dates, meetings, and then we would find time for all of us to be together to do something fun.  Sometimes it was a picnic in the park or going to a movie.  Maybe we would all go out to eat or attend a birthday celebration for one of the other sisters.  Sometimes we would all go to the zoo or a ball game.  But what I learned about using calendars, and respecting other people's schedules, was living a balanced life.  The sisters were wonderful about giving feedback to other sisters if they thought they had too much on their plate or that they needed to think about scheduling time just for themselves.  They really reverently respected God's gift of time to us and demonstrated to me the importance of practicing balance and avoiding overwork, taking on too many committee positions, or volunteer positions.  Motherhood requires the same use of a calendar.  It is just the people, and the scenarios, that are different.  Charles and I keep a "house calendar" and then we each have our own individual calendar.  We've color-coded church events, kids events,  appointments,etc.  We try to help each other look at the bigger picture of our lives and call each other out when the ministry piece of our lives is out of control.  We make sure to plan fun family times, and Charles and I do our best to plan "date nights".

Something else that I think has made a huge impact on my mothering that I specifically learned in religious life was discerning what it means to be a woman.  Religious sisters are some of the people who are at the forefront of social justice issues concerning women.  My world opened up as I learned about the history of a male-dominated world and how much that has impacted the lives of women, not just in the life of church, but in the workplace and in the home.  Part of the motherhouse was used as a shelter for women who were recovering from domestic abuse and alcoholism, and I developed a much greater sensitivity toward the woman who was trying to heal from the injustices of society and humanity.  In studying theology and women's issues, my eyes were opened to how little the roles of women in the bible are talked about, or preached on, in churches.  And then there was the never-ending debate about women's ordination.   Many times our community hosted guest speakers on various women's issues.  My image as a woman, and my place in the world as a woman, as well as seeing God, not just from the male perspective, but a female perspective, has been invaluable.  Even as mothers, we were  women first before we had the privilege of becoming mothers.  I have two girls who are watching me, and absorbing me as a woman.  They are taking in how I act as a woman.  I am going to be a major influence in their lives when it comes to how they see themselves as girls now and later grow into womanhood.  I didn't learn how to put makeup on in religious life, but I can start the conversation with them about the inner beauty that every woman possesses.  I also have a little boy who is watching how his daddy is treating women, and he needs to learn how to view women, how to treat them, and respect them for who they are.


Finances were a big part of my formation as a sister.  Of course, a religious sister takes a vow of poverty.  In other words, the things of this world are not as important as the things of spirit.  However,  there are many other people who really know "poverty".  I always had a car to drive, gas in the tank, health insurance, access to medical and mental health care,  a place to live, and food on the table.   I think the definition of "poverty" in religious life is always evolving.  Many families don't have everything a sister does.  Of course budgeting was huge for sisters.  Religious sisters work, and for the most part, they receive the same compensation that a lay person receives.  Their pay check goes to the order and the treasure of the order then gives each group of sisters a certain amount of money to meet their housing/living expenses.  Every sister also gets an "allowance" for the month.  When I was there I received $60.00 and that was for eating out and personal purchases.  With the larger group's "allowance" some of that was also set aside for giving and charity.  If you needed more expensive clothes for work, you talked about it with the other sisters, and could request a certain amount of money for that.  What mother doesn't need to learn how to manage a budget? Charles and I are constantly going over the budget, weighing how much we can give to people in need, and how much to set aside for discretionary spending.  In religious life, I learned what a gift it is to have money and how to determine a "need" from a "want".  I learned that money has the power to do so much good in the world, and it is God's resource given to us as a gift.  I learned gratitude for all I did have and learned how to focus on abundance instead of what I think I lacked.  I learned how to be a steward of the gift of money and to trust in God's provisions.  I want my children to see abundance instead of lack. I want them to see their money as God's, and that what we have is powerful and should always be used wisely.  I want them to learn the privilege of an allowance and to discern "needs" from "wants".  I want them to make as much money as they want to, but then instill in them the gift of giving, and to give from a place of joy, not a place of sacrifice and suffering.

Seeing family as another "type" of religious community is something I really believe in. Sisters go on to take vows of chasity, poverty, and obedience.  Charles and I have taken marriage vows, but we are also vowed to raising our children.  All of us, as a family, are a spiritual/religious community that believes in praying together and obedience to the law of love.  We try to have a ministry-mindset both at home and in the larger community.  Always working to create the feeling of being loved and valued at home is priority, and then working to help others feel loved and valued in our places of work and ministry naturally flows from that, just as in a religious order.  One of the "requirements" of a vowed sister is to take retreats and participate in regularly scheduled spiritual direction.  Charles and I do our best to find a spiritual director, wherever we happen to be, and meet with them once a month.  A spiritual director helps us see the movement of God in our own lives, our marriage, and our family.  It helps keep us accountable to praying daily and reflecting on how we can improve the quality of our own individual lives.  Our spirits remain teachable, open, and available to God's direction and guidance.  And, as a mother, I am more able to let God do what God needs to do in my children's lives.  I can better help my children listen to God's voice.  I am better equipped to help them use the tool of discernment to make the little decisions and then later, the really big decisions.  Having worked through my own "issues", hopefully, I can surrender the outcome of their lives into God's hands and entrust their lives to God's love and care.


Education is highly important in a religious sister's life.  We were always encouraged to take a class that drew our attention, or one that would help our ministry.  We were always encouraged to read, read, read.  We were always encouraged to go to different workshops that would deepen our relationship with God.  If a sister wanted to belong to a specific group at a local church, we were never discouraged in seeking out that kind of spiritual growth.  I still have those same aspirations as a mother.  I read books on different spiritual topics on a regular basis.  I'm obviously a little more tied down when it comes to attending workshops, but there are some great on-line programs and radio shows that I sometimes listen to while working in the kitchen, or driving around town.  I am now attending a small women's bible study group, where we can apply scripture to our lives as women and mothers. I want my children to love to learn and to read, and to see the value and enjoyment of learning something new.  I want my children to understand that education is a part of becoming the best person we can be, and that when we educate ourselves it affects not just their own life, but it can change the world we live in.  Education goes beyond the desk at school.  We should always be hungry for knowledge of all types.


Lastly, but definitely not least,  is communication.  When you live with a group of sisters, it becomes necessary to learn how to communicate effectively with each other.  We had to learn how to communicate to work through conflicts, because no matter what the living arrangement, when you live with someone on a regular basis, there are always going to be conflicts.  Whenever there was a conflict, I was many times, taken under the wing of an older sister, and encouraged to express myself, my needs, and what I was feeling.  It could have been something as minor as my house-cleaning obligations to something more major like how I was treating another sister, or how another sister was treating me.  Things didn't get shoved under a rug.  There was never an elephant kept in a room for very long.  Airing our differences out, in as mature a way as possible, was important and necessary.  Over time, I got better and better at communicating my needs, my feelings, and my issues of concern.  Sometimes a mediator is necessary.  Sometimes going out for a cup of coffee with another sister was necessary to talk things out.  Sometimes a simple apology was all that was needed.  I can't tell you how many times I still fall back on the skill of basic communication now that I am married.  I learned that I would be okay, even in conflict, and my fear of conflict lessened.  I learned that what I felt was valuable in God's eyes and valuable to the larger community.  I hope that I can keep the lines of communication open in our own home.  Charles and I are always working to improve communicating and conflict-resolving in our relationship.  Living with a group of sisters opened my eyes to healthy communication instead of dysfunctional communication.  I was shown what healthy communication should look like, and then given the tools to grow in my communication skills.  You can't put a price on that.  I'm not perfect, but I continue to work on those skills, now through marriage and having children.  Hopefully, Charles and I can be decent role-models of how to communicate when there are problems, and that conflict is okay, and we all can learn and grow from our conflicts.

Living in a Motherhouse of sisters, I learned some invaluable and priceless lessons, all preparing me for the vocation of motherhood.  I am deeply indebted to every religious sister that I had the privilege and the honor of living with, and learning from.  I didn't go there to become a wife and a mother, but I left there a better woman, a more authentic way to be "susie", woman, wife, and mother.  Their impact on my life is going to have a lasting impact on my marriage and my family.  Every religious order lives by a charism.  Part of the Notre Dame Sister's charism was to "take this Child (Jesus) and make him grow".   I still remember that, and I keep that message close to my heart.  They took me, really just a child in spirit and heart, and helped me grow into a woman, still maturing and growing some twenty years later.  And in a very real way, through the legacy they gave to me, are taking my children and causing them to grow.

We all have lived in places and met people in those places that transformed us, and made us new and better than we were when we first arrived there.  For me, the Notre Dame Sister's Motherhouse and their houses around Omaha, Nebraska were places of transfiguration.  It was good to be there.  I prayed there, and I was changed, my spirit took on a newfound brightness. A light that I still try to share today. I felt what it was like to be a child of God, I felt chosen.   Women, who happen to be mothers are chosen.  We are chosen for service, chosen to create spiritual communities of our own families.  Chosen to pray, to learn, to grow, and to help our families live by the charism of love by being an example of love.

Thank you, Notre Dame Sisters for growing me, loving me, and giving to me.  Thank you for the impact you have had on my life, and continue to have on my life and the life of my family.

Time

Hurry up, we're going to be late!  Let me check my calendar and see if I have time that day to meet with you!  We need to watch the clock!  How much longer do you think we'll be?  I can't believe how long I have to wait in the Dr.'s office.  It will  happen when the time is right.  How long till we get there, Mom? There is only so much time in a day. One day at a time.  Time is on my side.  Time heals all.

All of these phrases we've said or heard, sometimes on a daily basis, and sometimes more than once in a day.  Moms, and women in general,  are known to be great at multitasking.  We live in a society that is bonded to time and there is an underlying current of belief that "there is never enough time in the day".  All of us, at some level are addicted to the man-made concept of time.  We wear watches,  we have several clocks in our homes, our cars have clocks in them,  our phones keep time, and our computers give us the time.  We are squeezing out minutes from our day every chance we get just to get one more thing done.  Not only are we clock-driven, but we have a need to be as productive as possible with the amount of time we have.  That is why a mom can cook breakfast, talk to someone on the phone, pack a lunch, and load up the dishwasher all at the same time.  It sounds exhausting, but every mom has this "gift".

The belief that there is never enough time in the day is what drives us, and despite that belief, we don't stop adding things to our to-do-lists, we say yes to just one more committee, or we sign up our kids for just one more activity.  The thought that there is never enough time in the day goes completely against the core of who we are.  Time is a physical concept, not a spiritual concept.  God didn't create time.  Humans did.  The only concept of time that is of the spiritual nature is "now".  It is this moment.  With God, time is eternal.  We can only be in the present moment.  The past is already done.  We haven't experienced the future.  With this concept,  there is an abundance of time.  It is a societal belief that we never have enough time to do the things we need to do, or want to do.

If we really look at our days,  we always seem to accomplish what needs to be accomplished.  We pay attention to the things and people that need our attention, and the all the rest can wait.  As mothers, women, and human beings, in general, it is soooo easy to get overwhelmed.  Our lists are long, the needs are many, and the tasks that have to happen seem to keep multiplying.  The first thing that has to happen to overcome our belief that there is never enough time, is to first stop saying it, to ourselves, or anyone else.  The second thing that has to be done is to change our minds about our lack of time, and start to believe in our abundance of time.  It is a huge mindshift because when you start to believe in the abundance of time, it can feel like a very lonely place to be because everyone else around you, stranger and friend, is saying something different.  Because we only have to be present to this moment, time naturally multiplies all on its own. 

We really don't have to live stressed out about time.  We can choose to let the "eternal now" support us and flow through us, assisting us and aiding us in all we must accomplish.  When I feel stressed or overwhelmed about how much I have to do and the time I have to do it in,  I first stop my thinking.  I literally stop my mind.
I use one of my "spiritual anchors" to quiet my thoughts about time from overwhelming me.  Be still and know that I am God is my "spiritual anchor" when it comes to keeping my boat afloat and safe from the stormy waters of my thinking that threaten to drown me.  I repeat that "anchor" again and again and remember that there is always enough time, always enough help from God, always enough assistance from higher realms to get done whatever it is I need to get done, not necessarily what it is that I want to get done.  When I quiet my mind, and release my feelings of being overwhelmed, I am brought back to my Center, my "true nature", and I remember that there is always enough time, enough money, and enough resources to accomplish what needs to be accomplished in this moment, and in the next moment.

For mothers, time can seem to go fast and slow all at once.  As we are in the trenches of raising children, it can feel like an eternity till they walk or get potty trained, and then we wonder where the time has gone as we walk them to school on their first day of kindergarten.  As we attend the funeral of an elderly person, it is easy to wonder how 96 years can go by in a blink.  Just ask someone who has a terminal illness how they perceive time.  The key is perception.  We tend to make our perception of time our "truth".

The concept of man-made time does force us to set priorities and live with intention.  Every morning, we get another 24 hours to make a difference in our family's lives and the lives of our "neighbor", here or even across the globe.  How we choose to use our time is a big responsibility.  Sometimes, I have to ask myself, Is it more important that I play a game with my child or vacuum the living room floor.  Is it more important that I am fully present to my spouse or fully present to my blackberry?  Will I use my time today to spread love or fear?   When I think about using my time with "intention",  there are some things that must happen in a day.  I must pray with my children and my spouse in the morning.  I will give 10 minutes to that.  I will read to my children at night.  I will give 20 minutes of my day to that.  I will spend time "debriefing" with my husband and just "being" with each other, our full attention given to each other, either after the kids go to bed or early in the morning when everyone is "out the door" and before the rest of the day hits.

If you really want to know where your time goes,  spend 2 or three days writing down everything you've done, everything, not just what you think is important.  It is important to get an accurate and real account of how you're using your time.  That includes television, facebooking, emailing, blackberrying, surfing the internet, and everything else under the sun.  It is no surprise that one of the biggest time consumers is technology.  I, for one, love to unwind with the television.  But if I get real about it, I can lose 3 sometimes 4 hours in it, especially late at night.  When the prospect of writing my book came up, and I started to look for ways to build up more time in my day,  I found time by giving up a couple of hours at night watching television.  You will be surprised how much you can get done in a couple of hours.  I turned twenty minutes of waiting in the van to pick up Clare at school into 20 extra minutes to jot down another paragraph.  20 minutes five days a week adds up.  Two hours of free babysitting at the Y helps.  I work out for one hour and use the next hour to write.  In five days, I've gained 5 more hours to write.

The phrase time is money and money is time becomes very apparent when you are raising children.  As a pastor's wife, I've talked to younger families who may not be able to give as much money as they want to their place of worship, but they can give their time. When you start to look at time and money, and how it is spent, because both are "spent and invested" in something,  you can't help but become keenly aware of what your priorities are in life, or even a country's priorities are.  Think about how much time and money are spent on football stadiums and watching football games.  Many of us, this Cornhusker fan included, think nothing of spending 3-4 hours watching two teams play football every week.  But have I considered spending 3 or 4 hours every week serving in a homeless shelter or working to eradicate poverty, or giving the money I would have spent on tickets to a father of a family who has just lost his job?  Think of all the hours spent building the stadium while, at the same time, a homeless person standing on the same street as the stadium that is being  built asks for a meal, a ride, or a hand-out.  Or the school just a mile away from the stadium is run-down, in need of new playground equipment, let alone more classrooms for smaller class sizes, and more money to hire teachers. You can tell very quickly what a person, a group of people, or a family values according to how they spend their time and money.


Time is a powerful thing.  It is an investment. It is another power that God has given us dominion over.  It is a gift from our God, the Creator of All Abundance.  There is enough time to create the miracles we need in our homes, our communities, and our world.  There is enough time to accomplish what is ours to accomplish and what is God's to accomplish.  There is enough time to get done what we really need to get done, and what we want to get done.  We've all heard the verse Where your heart is, there is your treasure.  We give our time according to the directions of our heart.  In other words, how we spend our time starts with our heart's intentions.  That verse might also read Where I spend my time, is where my heart's treasure is.

Sometimes it only takes a second of time to make a difference in someone's life.  A smile takes a second.  A compliment takes a few seconds of thought, and another few seconds to give it.  A hug takes a second.  A note of encouragement jotted down on a post-it-note and put on someone's desk takes a second. 

If you believe that God's timing is perfect, then even time is for us, never against us, just like scripture proclaims that God is for us, therefore, who can be against us? If we are using our time in the service of those in need, no matter where we are, more time is added unto me.   Time is something we can either stress over, or rejoice over.  As we go through our day, especially as moms, it is important to remember all that we did get done and stop focusing on all that we didn't get done, because in God's perfect time and way, it always gets done.  What we focus on, and give our energy to, expands. So if we're always focused on a lack of time, we only see more lack of time. 

The next time you get a chance, bring your to do list to prayer.  What on that list is yours to accomplish, and what can you turn over to God, and trust that it will get done in His perfect time?  Ask God to turn your lack to abundance, and to accomplish what you can't.  Ask God for the wisdom and courage to say "No" when you can't and "Yes" when you can.  Both responses are positive, worthy, and filled with integrity.  Guilt has no place in our thoughts and feelings.  Don't believe in guilt.  Don't give guilt any energy.  It is not of God.  When you feel overwhelmed,  quiet your mind.  Stop your thinking, and know that God wants you to ask and receive what you need, even time.