Because of distance, commitments, health, weather, and everything in between, time with my mother is special. As I've achieved just a few years of motherhood under my belt, you begin to make a few observations about motherhood, and realize just how diverse this special "club" is that we belong to. Mothers are as unique as snowflakes. No two mothers are alike. Each are fashioned of their own design, patterns, and beauty. Each sparkle and capture the light in their own way. Some women become mothers later in life. Some mothers are just barely adults when they have children. Some mothers go grey at 26 years of age and some mothers don't have a grey hair on their head till 70. And thanks to hair color, some may never grow grey! (Isn't hair color the best!) Some mothers were born to be mothers. They knew they "just had" to be a mother. Other mothers didn't feel "maternal" at all. They sort of "grew into" their role as moms. Some mothers have adopted their children and some have given birth to their own children. Some mothers are single, some are married, and some are divorced a couple of times over.
Mothers come in all shapes and sizes. Some have model-like qualities about their physical appearance. They are absolutely beautiful. Some mothers are chunky and thick and some moms are way too thin. Some mothers suffer from obesity and some suffer from anorexia. Some mothers live in their "mom jeans" and some moms wear their heals everywhere. (The higher the heal, the closer to God!) Some mothers have to have jewelry on and some won't wear a piece of jewelry until they attend a wedding. Some mothers love their yoga pants and some moms change their clothes a few times before they find what they want to wear. To some moms, lipstick and mascara are a must before they go out, and for some, putting on a hat is just fine. Some moms shop at Target, others at Wal-Mart and still others at Macy's or Banana Republic, or thrift stores and garage sales.
Some moms stay at home until their kids are older and some stay at home until their kids go off to college. Some moms need to work outside the home to make ends meet and some mothers work three different jobs to put food on the table. And some moms work at a job simply for the benefits. Other moms may work from home and some moms work part-time to save their sanity. Some moms see work as a vacation. All moms are working moms 24/7. They are always on call, ready for anything. Some moms can fix anything - toilets, vacuum cleaners, leaky faucets, and clogged drains. Some moms won't touch a tool. Some moms work out at the gym every day, and others squeeze in a walk now and then. Other moms hate exercise, or just don't have the time or the energy. Some mothers live very long lives, experiencing their own children becoming senior citizens and some mothers live a very short time, never seeing their children give them grandchildren. Some mothers bury their children and experience miscarriage after miscarriage. Some mothers live with serious illnesses and diseases while other mothers barely get a cold. Some mothers battle mental illness and depression, while other mothers are the epitome of happiness no matter what. Some of us are mothers of a special needs child and some mothers have given birth to a genius. Some of us are just plain, ordinary moms of plain, ordinary children. Some mothers are paralyzed, some have lost limbs, and some are blind and deaf. Some mothers rely on day care, nannies, and baby sitters, and some have only themselves to depend upon.
There is one thing every mom has in common, and that is, that no mom is perfect. We are perfectly imperfect, figuring out how to be a mom to the children we have been blessed with as we go. Some of us have read a ton of books on the subject of mothering and children, and others of us, haven't read one single book. We all make mistakes. We all have probably said or done things we wish we wouldn't have said or done. We've all done or said some really brilliant things too. Mothers are deeply courageous, extremely creative, and hopelessly optimistic or we couldn't do this job/ministry very well. Some mothers never get tired of being a mom and some wake up sometimes wishing they didn't have to be a mom - just for a day, pretty please? None of us are completely well-rested. And maybe it's best that way. If we were too well-rested and sharp, we would probably be an even bigger mess. Sometimes being in a sleep-deprived fog is just as good as a bottle of prozac.... well, maybe.
All of us moms want to give our kids everything, and be the best mom we can be. We want to meet all of their needs, all of the time. It is a hard task to be the perfect combination of the cool mom and the nagging parent. But at some point, moms are going to "fail" their kids. Something is going to happen that has completely caught us off guard and we aren't going to be completely prepared for it at all. Think about it, one human being gives birth to another human being. These two human beings may grow to get along perfectly, or they may never see anything in the same way, ever. The combinations of this spectrum are endless because God's creativity and imagination and plans for us are endless. Nevertheless, the mother you wind up with is the perfect mother for you. But what about the mothers who are drug addicts, the mothers who abandoned us and left the family, the mothers who gave their children up for adoption, the mothers who abused their child, the mothers who were never home because they had to work several jobs just to keep up. What about the mothers who knew their husbands were sexually abusing a child and said nothing, or blamed them? What about the mothers who sit in smoky bars while their kids sit in the bar too, or worse, their cars, waiting for mom to finish. What about the mothers who go through boyfriends like kids go through candy? How is it possible that these moms are the perfect moms for their kids? How can you say that God had this kind of "perfect mother" in mind for these innocent and perfect child who have no choice but to live with the mother they were born with?
For some reason children seem to be programmed to believe that their mom will never let them down at any time, for any reason. We start life out depending on them for everything and we depend upon this fantasy that every mother is going to be perfectly educated, completely self-aware, spiritually/religiously sound, have all the answers at just the right moment, and that there isn't anything that could happen to me that they wouldn't be able to fix. But what school did our mom, or us as moms go to, in order to become this Goddess-Mom? What curriculum was put together, and by whom, so that I could possibly believe this fantasy? Where do you get one of those diplomas because I could use one of those. There wasn't any "school" that any mother went to, except the "school" of their own experience of their mom. Moms learn from their moms, and their moms learned from their moms. So, it only stands to reason that parts of the curriculum are going to be left out, never addressed, the textbooks never opened, some collecting years of dust. We do "turn into our moms", for better or worse, because we spend a lot of time being their child, absorbing everything they said and didn't say, everything from mannerisms to the way they talk, to the expressions on their face, to the way they handled stress, the way they communicate, the way they juggled the demands of life to their philosophies on life, and even the way they argued and handled conflicts.
There are a few theories about how children come into the world. We get the biological aspect of entering the universe. Some of us believe that the mother we ended up with was completely random and some believe it is no accident at all. I have heard mothers say that they felt chosen by their child, had dreams about the child they would have, and I've heard of moms saying that they felt their babies "recognize" them in a deep way, as if they knew their mother long before they were born into this world. And going back into biblical history, there are plenty of examples of "announcements" of children that would be born to chosen mothers - our most extraordinary example being Jesus, and his mother, Mary. No pressures for her, right?
I don't believe that children are born randomly to just any mother. Believing that our purpose is to grow spiritually, through the healing of our hearts, the transformation of our minds, and learning how to love, forgive, and serve in the name of Love, we begin the journey of spiritual growth with the mother that gave us life, and/or the mother that adopted us. Every mother and her child each have spiritual growth to accomplish, and I believe that they agree to do this together long before they take on the form of a body and enter the physical world that we know as earth. I believe they choose each other, the various sets of circumstances that will arise in their lifetime, each one agreeing to play the role of "mother" and "child", each agreeing to be a "soul mate" to each other, each agreeing to teach the other how, through those various circumstances that come up in their lives, how to love, forgive, grow, and live as a servant of God. In this way, we all have been blessed with the perfect mother. Everything has happened exactly as it should, every detail perfect in the good work that God has begun in both mother and child. Both mother and child can much more easily embrace the other's character flaws and mistakes, can "see" through the lens of spirit how to love the one who hurt you, and even be happy for that because they are the ones that not only been left with physical stretch marks and birth marks, but stretch marks and birth marks upon our soul because the easy weight of love grew bigger and bigger. Both are able to acknowledge that they needed each other to learn how to love larger, and forgive bigger and more readily than ever. So, even a child who has been greatly wounded by a mother can ultimately say Thank you, Mom, for agreeing to play such an "unattractive, and sometimes, even hateful role" so that I might become the spiritually magnificent and mature creation of God that I am today, and that I believe you to be too. Instead of seeing how "awful" a mother might treat her child, the spiritually savvy person realizes how much her mother "sacrificed" in this world in order that the healing work of God could be accomplished in their life. What once may have seemed like unforgivable circumstances is now seen as almost nothing to forgive. Neither person, mother or child, superior to the other. Both are teacher and student, fulfilling the role they each agreed to in the first place. In this light, it becomes very "easy" to love your "enemy" because your enemy isn't really your "enemy" after all. This is cause to be happy, even when you feel persecuted, betrayed, or misunderstood.
Like it or not, every mother will fail her child at some point, on some level. We must depend upon God for the grace of eyes to see and ears to hear what this very complex relationship is trying to teach us. One of the very first spiritual lessons we have to go through is forgiving our mothers and our fathers for hurting us. Working through the hurt, the pain, and the anger isn't going to be easy, or quick, but the "sting" of it all is diminished greatly just by the thought that way back when, in Higher Realms, when you were both pure light, you agreed to all of this. You chose each other to participate in a covenant relationship with God that also included you and your parents, and your other family members, brother, sister, spouse, etc. We live in this world with the title family, but we are not of this world. We are spirits, who took the form of a body, to be born into the physical world with the sole purpose and the soul purpose of healing certain aspects of heart and mind, and God accomplishes this in our worldly families. We acknowledge that we were loved by God first, and that Love never changes, and God will love us forever. Only God can love us in the way that we need to be loved. Children cannot expect that of their mothers, their parents. It is Truth that we belong to God first, not our parents. We belong to Heaven first, not this world.
Every mother does the best they can with every child, given the circumstances they grew up in, the kind of mother they had, the knowledge they were able to obtain, and the spiritual understanding and perspective of life they had acquired at that moment and time. Mothers cannot give to their child something that they never had, or were never taught. Ultimately, no mother should ever carry around guilt, blame, or shame no matter what may or may not have transpired in their relationships with their children. We all do better when we know better, and sometimes all of us in our families, just didn't know any better. Generation after generation we spiritually grow in all kinds of ways. Generation after generation, God transforms our thinking, changes us in ways that otherwise may never happen, and mends legacy after legacy of wounds. Every generation is a step up on the spiritual ladder of growth. We really are all in this together. And ultimately, we are joined in heart and mind. I am my mother and she is me. I am you and you are me. We really all need the experiences we have with our mothers in order to be the people God intended us, and created us to be.
Mothers, do not compare yourselves to your daughters. Children, do not compare yourselves to your mothers. Forgive each other and forgive yourselves. Move forward and depend upon God for grace. Learn from each other, apologize if you need to, and try to do better in the future because now you know better. You learned something about yourself and each other. Pray for each other and bless each other. Give thanks in all your circumstances, both the good, the beautiful, the ugly, and the hurtful. Live with a peace beyond understanding because neither of you intended to hurt the other. Take your spiritual lessons and apply them to your own children or your grandchildren. Generation after generation be sure to tell of the good things, the miracles of healing and love that God did in your life, so that all generations will call you blessed because the Almighty God has done good things for you.
I love you, Mom. I know and feel you love me. I have more happy memories than disappointments. You gave me more than I could ever hope for, always provided whatever I needed. You are a wonderful mom, a magnificent grandmother, and I have learned lessons that I treasure far more than any amount of money or material blessings. We were meant for each other, and I look forward to more memories, more lessons, more love, and more time together. I thank God for your sacrifices, your endless support, and your belief in who I am.
The following prayer is an excerpt from Mother Prayers, Mama Wisdom
Transformed and Saved, Volume 2
Exalted One,
Wed my soul to the deepest truth within this beautifully
complex relationship that I have with my mother.
Remind me, God, that even though my parents
may have failed me at times, You cannot fail me.
Show me, God, everything that hasn't been fully
healed in this relationship.
Transform the wounds of my past into a legacy of healing
handed down to my own children.
Deliver me from pain to healing, from brokenness to wholeness.
Let the victim in me refrain from feasting on their faults.
Instead, let the adult in me, dine at the banquet of forgiveness.
Forgive us, God, for we know not what we do.
Let me see my parents as you see them.
I release my parents from all I needed them to be
and accept them for who they are.
May only peace and compassion remain in our hearts. Amen.
Reflect On Your Life
Can a mother forget her child? Even if your mother should forsake you,
I would not forget you! See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands.
Isaiah 49: 15-16
1. What have you learned from your mother? What are the greatest lessons she gave you?
2. What is a favorite memory of your mother that you love to think about and even comforts you?
3. Where do you find challenges in your relationship with your mom? How is God asking you to think differently about this relationship?
